Tap That Glass: What my First Date with Each Pinball Backglass Hottie Would Look Like

Sammi Lanzetta is an indie rocker and writer who lives in New York City. She’s very funny and has had her Instagram cancelled like three or four times in the two months I’ve known her. At some point during that era, she pitched me a simple idea: What if she wrote out completely out of pocket fantasies about the people who appear on our backglass.

Oh come on you prude! You know you’ve thought about it. Just sitting there on your average league night, a thousand mile stare as someone blows up Avengers for 20 minutes. What WOULD it be like to date one of the girls from Break Shot? How about the Moose? And while your imagination probably ends at three beers and heavy petting, luckily you’re not writing this article, Sammi is!

So without further ado, here’s how Sammi would tap that glass: classics edition!

Surf Champ

One might think to take the gorgeous, leggy champion of surf to the ocean on a first date, but I imagine she’d like a break from her job. That, and I can’t stand the idea of her outperforming me so early into our budding romance. She doesn’t need a home game.

I would take this angel to an antique store to stare at trinkets. Big mistake. She’d have no balance off of her board. She’d knock over an entire shelf. She wouldn't know it, but I work at this store, and would be filled with regret. My boss hates this and hates me. I hate me. Just one tilt and my bonus is gone.

Earth shaker

I would take the busty blonde from Earthshaker on a nice day trip to the beach. She’d spend most of our time in the car carefully reapplying her lipstick and lamenting about how I’m a bad driver. I’d still feel more confident than ever with her arm around me. Before we reach our destination, we’d strike at least one pedestrian and be forced to dispose of the body together. This would derail our beach plans for sure, but I’d think sharing a secret would bring us closer; however, she’d stop returning my calls the next day.

I’d feel sad, as I’d think we vibrate on similar frequencies, but sometimes two agents of chaos are not meant to cruise down the same highway at once. (Editor’s note: Damn. Poetic.)

Gameshow

I wouldn’t take the Gameshow lady (her name is Candy) to do anything competitive; that would feel irresponsible, as she clearly has a gambling problem. Candy and I would enjoy a nice movie. We’d attend a screening of Uncut Gems. I’d hold her hand while the bangles on her arm softly jingle as I’d try to explain the near-miss effect to her. I’d show her compassion. She’d get weirded out and wouldn’t call me back.

Theater of Magic

At first, the Theater of Magic girl would push me to go to the Magic Castle with her. I would respectfully decline because I’m afraid of other magicians. I do not like being deceived. Eventually, I’d agree to this date because I’m enticed by her enchanting stare and cunty little bowtie.

“Yes, I know it’s a private club,” I would tell her, but I would remain firm on my boundary. No illusions.

Instead, I’d bring her to a different arena of magic.

A place for everyone. A Limp Bizkit concert. Before the show, the fans are just waiting to be dazzled, and my god, is she a dazzler. She’d win over the Bizkit community with some card tricks. They’d chant her name (Belinda). They’d break stuff. She’d create stuff.

Illusions, a rabbit from her hat, the distance between her and the ground as she levitates. I’d even start to appreciate her craft. I think Belinda could be the love of my life.

Unfortunately, she’d find herself in a terrible underwater trap door incident, and I’d never hear from her again. Brutal.

Fathom

I would hear either of the girls from Fathom singing and immediately walk into the ocean and die. (Editor’s Note: This is better than some dates I’ve had)

Bride of Pinbot

Because the Bride of Pinbot is married, I would take her somewhere discreet. Before you judge me, know that she’s unhappy because the light in her head has dimmed. We would go somewhere no one would recognize us, a liminal space. That’s right. The Guy Fieri restaurant in Terminal A of the Burbank airport!

But it’s not enough. Pinbot would somehow find us and cause a scene. His synthesizer music, turning dark and angry. His grid, only flashing red. The robots would take over Flavortown. I would learn I made a terrible mistake. Infidelity is sad, guys.

Eight Ball Deluxe

I’m partial to the rootin’, tootin’, mechanical-bull-riding cowgirl on the backglass of Eight Ball Deluxe. I know she’d be a good hang at the dive bar, so that’s where we’d meet. We’d play darts. We’d play pool. I’d even agree to try the mechanical bull despite my fear of being outperformed on date one. She’d do incredible, lasting 15 entire seconds before being gracefully thrusted onto the mat. I’d fall off immediately and get a severe concussion. I’d go to the ER. She’d send me flowers with a note for date 2. She might, in fact, be my wife.

White Water

Typically I’m monogamous, but I’d give the blonde lady on White Water’s polycule a chance. I think it’s a little strange they’re always rafting, but I’d oblige. The date would go mostly fine except for my general fear of going overboard and the old man repeatedly screaming “COWABUNGA” at me while swinging his great big stetson hat near my head. He’d ask me my name 3 different times before agreeing to this throuple with Sandy and telling me I’m a delight to be around.

The rest of the group would seem indifferent, but I still think there could be a second date.